It is never too early to contemplate death.

At the age of 20, it probably seems odd to come up with such a notion, but the death of a schoolmate while serving NS has hit me hard. Despite the fact that I was not among one of his acquaintances and the fact that i'm physically so far away, I can feel death so close to me. I know such accidents are not uncommon - there have been 5 deaths over the past 4 months in SAF. Taking a broader perspective, I am reminded of ongoing conflicts and wars, where soldiers are sacrificed for the sake of the country. But what is ironic here is that the life of a young man was sacrificed during peace time, likely as a result of negligence of his counterparts. 

I can't really describe how I feel, or how much I feel for him, his friends and his parents alike. I feel immensely - sad - if that one word could capture my feelings. I feel especially so because I haven't felt the tentacular nature of death in such close proximity in a while. Especially the death of someone of the same age as me, probably harbouring dreams for the future and yet being unable to realise them forever.

It is also a timely reminder to me to treasure what I have - easier said than done, though. It is sad and regrettable that it takes death to reflect the value of life. I constantly fail to see life outside of the context of its' comparison with death. Why, why does it take death to remind me of the virtue, the goodness of life? It really isn't too early to contemplate death, as the departure of a young man tells me. We should, we ought to live life to the fullest - yet, why do these notions always remain normative? Life is indeed, 'strange, short and beautiful' as my sister tells me. We recognise the need to live for ourselves, yet we are constantly tempted by lofty goals and desires. It is ironic that only death tells us the true value of life. 

I remember how I was writing about the constancy of life about two weeks back. I think this incident has, to a certain extent, forced me to reflect on my life and to treasure what I have. To treasure the constancy, mundane it may be. To treasure the people around me and never, ever to take things for granted. being overseas, it has also reminded me of my family back home. I complained about having to make a call home every day because it turned into an obligation over a while - but yesterday afternoon, I wasn't hesitant about skyping home again because I know that my parents would like me to do it and as far as I can, I should accord with their desires. Just yesterday my mum was adamant about not allowing me to go on a trip, and today I can come to terms with this and say, with certainty, that I love my parents more than anything and I should not let myself succumb to my own whims and desires.

I hope that this batchmate of mine will be blessed for eternity; that his family members and friends will stay strong. it is indeed never too early to feel death, and this has been a timely lesson for me indeed.

I might be too pragmatic and too conservative for my own good. I haven't really pondered over this question. Most of the time I guess I am drawn into the constant pace of life, the long drawn rat race of society. I labour for the present, hoping that everything will be worth it in retrospect, but I seldom stop to think about where I want to be standing looking back at the past. It really does make a difference, doesn't it - maybe if I knew where I'd be in future, I'd be driven on to pursue my current interests with greater passion or to pave a way for myself. 

But I honestly don't know - I simply don't know where I want to be. Do I want to be on the edge of a cliff overlooking streams and mountains that I have come across, or do I want to be at the end of another constant stream, finding that I have been pushed towards it by the forces of nature? I want to know that my efforts will pay off in retrospect but without knowing the end point, it is difficult to mark the present. 

So - what are your dreams? I wish I had the answer to that question. I have always admired people who harbour dreams and indeed go on to pursue and finally realise them. I need that moment when I can tell myself that this is something I truly, with all my heart and mind, want to pursue; and not simply because it is something that others have derived security and stability from.

I have been wanting to write something, but I don't really know where to start from and I don't really know how to start writing again. It feels like there hasn't been something substantial in my life, some thought provoking event of sorts to warrant a post - guess my life is still about constancy and unchangeability, and I'm still awaiting for those milestones. I once told my friends that I feel like my life is a stream - there are no troughs and crests, just constancy and consistency - as much as that may appeal to some, I need some waves and waterfalls now and then. I need that bit of motivation or a moment of inspiration to drive me on - that's something that I'm lacking right now but it's not easily sought. I am too comfortable - now I'm careful for what I wish for - i just need that little bit of impetus in my life: maybe a trip, maybe an event, a person - just something that changes my life. maybe not forever, but at least momentarily.

I've been meeting up with some of my friends recently and I can't help but think about how many things have changed - our lives, our common topics, and just the whole feeling of hanging out once again. 

Don't get me wrong - I really do enjoy catching up with my friends and knowing what they have been up to, how they have been etc. But every meeting somehow makes me feel like I have expected too much from it - I tend to form an expectation (illegitimate maybe) that every meet-up will be fruitful, that we will have many things to talk about and catch up on and time will pass so quickly that we don't even realise it; and that maybe for once more I will feel that I'm back in school with my 'old' friends. However, I never get that. Somehow every tedious arrangement to meet up leads to a somewhat contrived conversation, awkward silences and the need to turn to our smart phones for solace. And the feeling that I'm back in school with my 'old' friends? I barely get that - what I get is the feeling that these are new friends whom I have to get to know once again in a short time of 2-3 hours. The meet up then ends - I feel slightly relieved - and I go home, feeling more puzzled than ever as to why so many things have changed.

I know that change is constant. Nothing is immutable. Yet that childlike side of me constantly longs and yearns for friendships that last through the ebbs and flows of life. Knowing that everyone has changed, including myself, is once again yet another impetus for me to readjust my expectations regarding friendships. Sometimes however I really don't know what I can expect anymore - or if I should even expect anything. It scares and saddens me to know that in a few years time, the people whom I am the closest to now may not even be my friends anymore if we don't bother to stay in touch.  

Recently I have been finding myself yearning to go back to school to seek that sense of familiarity and warmth. But I have got to readjust my expectations once again - the consult area won't be the same without my classmates (haha. just us, our GCs, and our math notes maybe... and a cup of milk tea from the canteen); the band room won't be the same without my batchmates and the sound of our favourite pieces etc...

Guess that's why they also say "growing up is not easy but we all have to be strong."

Donning the same frocks,
Even sharing a similar bobbed hairstyle,
We stood side by side

We shared a middle name.
We shared a room.
But age beckoned, and that was when
I yearned to differentiate myself from you -

I drew imaginary territorial boundaries in the wardrobe,
Sometimes we fought cold wars, 
Cold wars that lasted days - and nights -
I remember how silence overpowered the crickets' nocturne

and I thought it didn't matter that I wasn't the perfect sister after all. 

But when you left, I shed tears of regret and sadness -
I gained a room, a wardrobe, possibly my fight for identity was over
But I had lost those years of childhood and adolescence when
Proximity was always in our favour

Now age has beckoned
Distance separates us and an empty bed remains vacated when you are away
Yet absence doth make the heart fonder - 

And it is during such sleepless nights that I wish I had the chance to be a better sister.

Our trip to Austria was awesome - will remember all those good times we had in Salzburg, Graz and Vienna! 
Glad to be back at home for now and I'm indeed enjoying the food, the love and the warmth of home :)

It's 11.30pm now and in half an hour it'll be friday - not just any other friday, but the last day of term and finally the last official day of school I will attend as a year 1. 

Just now, I was thinking about how fast time has passed since coming here. Sorry for the cliche again - but it's amazing how time just eludes me and slips through my fingers. It feels like yesterday when I came here with my dad and loaded our many suitcases into that taxi, which then drove up the inclined roads from the coach station. At that time I knew nothing about Bristol at all, except for the fact that many people had claimed that it was a nice place. And then I reached Unite House where I would stay in for the next year. I remember how hot and stuffy it was then in October. It was Autumn. Upon reaching I skyped home instantly - probably the first time I would feel how it'd be like to communicate virtually without the physical presence of my beloved family here. This would be my main method of communication for the next few months. Then we scurried off to Ikea and Wai Yee Hong... Primark, the likes, where we'd get our first experience at setting up our own home, part of the broader picture of growing up and being independent.

When my dad left, I didn't shed a tear. Somehow. I guess I was too excited then about the whole idea of living on my own and settling down...the same goes for why I didn't cry at all when I was being sent off at the airport. I had been, well, obsessed with the idea of living on my own as a university student. The next few weeks were pretty alright. I attended classes, got to know a bit more about law, developed my liking for the subject. Travelled a little, to Dublin, London, Bath, Birmingham and Oxford. Towards the end of the term though I got pretty homesick and then it was time to go home for the Christmas break.

Back home - it was really great to meet my family. But then I could feel that the feeling of hanging out with my old friends was pretty different. I still enjoy the company of my old friends and I know it is something that is irreplaceable here. Yet the feeling is simply different - it feels like we are on different platforms/social circles and when we talk it is hard to always bring everything into context. Going home also made me realise the comfort of home. Indeed I was so sad to have to come back here - still remember the first time I cried at the airport when I had to come back to Bristol on my own this January... guess it was the first time I actually let my tears shed so freely in front of my family. Appreciation for my family is indeed relative and I think being overseas has made me appreciate the concept of 'home' a lot more. Home is indeed where the heart is.

Then, coming back here this term. Remember I was really really homesick for a period of time after coming back... and I had to escape to Oxford to cure my homesickness. I hope I will never feel like that any other time in my life. This term I did a lot more things - cooked better, exercised more, travelled more, hung out with many awesome people who make me feel like I will never be homesick again. Learnt more law - and that's the end of year 1! In a few days I will be in Austria, and in a week, back home again. I can't wait for that (self-declaratory) well-deserved break.

I am pretty glad I am finally settling down and coming to terms with the idea of living overseas and having to learn, think and reflect about life. I am very thankful that I've met so many awesome people here. And also I feel indebted to my parents/family who have always been supportive of my education and for giving me all the support I need. 

I can't wait to go home. I hope this time round I will have changed for the better. For good.

Sunset at Brighton!


I spent the weekend at Brighton! It was a really rejuvenating trip - good company, good food and good photos! I love the rocky beach in Brighton and I really wouldn't mind going again if only the journey there wasn't so tedious. On the first day, we went to the beach and Brighton pier; and on the second day we did a little bit of sightseeing and walked along the beach and watched the sunset again. This trip has certainly slowed down the pace of my life - can't believe how I have never bothered watching the sunset despite the fact that the sun sets every single day. at this point I kinda regret not watching sunrise in the morning cos we all couldn't wake up at 5am ++. I am so glad to have watched two consecutive sunsets - it was such a beautiful sight to behold, watching the sun slowly sink beneath the bed of clouds, casting its' reflection onto the waters and finally sinking into the sea... :) i love sitting on the beach and just, watching.

Yesterday, I could only wish my family were there to watch the sunset with me... Missing home now cos it's week 9! :( can't wait for my mum to reach next monday! 

Alas, I can feel spring approaching slowly but surely. I can't wait for warmer temperatures and days when we can walk to lectures in the warmth of the sunlight. 

It has been almost 4 months in Bristol, excluding December, during which I went home for the winter break. Sometimes it feels like I have been here for long enough, at other times, I feel like I haven't fully explored Bristol. nevertheless, I feel like my life has finally settled down, and I am clearer about my priorities and how I want to spend these three years here. I am pretty contented with my life right now. Well, I guess there is one part of me which constantly longs for me to be 'somebody else'. I wonder who that person would be, actually. Somebody who parties and studies less, has more courage to stand out from the crowd, somebody who has a larger social circle? I was just recently thinking about this. To be honest, I have been very passive throughout these few months here. I haven't been joining any society actively. Neither have I gone to any parties etc. Then again, I am glad to be living the way I want to live it. I remember chancing upon this quote a few weeks back - "The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you somebody else". I constantly struggle with this, and I find myself unable to reconcile the dichotomy at times. I try; I try very hard to stick to my principles but there is always something lurking in my subconscious mind. It tells me that I shouldn't be who I am and that I should consider succumbing to my 'other' self, which I am at the same time not totally aware of as well. 

Nevertheless I have to say that I am contented with life now. I am able to keep up with my tutorials and readings. I cook. I have started playing the piano again. I exercise. I leave aside time to catch up with my friends back home. I travel. I keep in touch with my family everyday. I also have time to appreciate poetry and music. All these give me satisfaction, yet, I constantly yearn for more.

Every time when I talk to my friends back in Singapore, and ask them about university life, I can't help but feel like life here is so much more relaxed. On one hand, I am thankful for it. I am thankful that I am given the autonomy to determine how much and what I want to get out of university, depending on my priorities. I am thankful that I am given the chance to manage my own time and to be treated as an adult rather than a student. I am glad that I have time to pursue what I enjoy, especially traveling.

Then again, I will question am I more relaxed because I am learning less, or is it simply because I am being taught less? I have always thought that there is a fine line between 'learning' and 'being taught'. I am hoping it is the latter. I hope I am not learning less, though at times, I really feel like I haven't been pushed hard enough, and I haven't fully developed the depth of thought that I ought to. (well this is again subject to the amount of extra work I'm willing to do) my typical singaporean mentality tells me that 'learning less' is necessarily a bad thing. e.g. less assignments, less readings, less modules... But then while penning this, I thought about the opposite - 'Learning less' doesn't necessarily put one at a disadvantage, especially in terms of a university education which aids one in the preparation for work. After all, we will be expected to cope with the dynamism and constant changes at work in future and the amount of things we 'learn' can only bring us so far. Guess what is most important would be the thinking and analysis skills that will accompany us for life - and this probably isn't directly proportionate to the amount of knowledge we have in all circumstances.

anyhow, I am contented with my life and I can't wish for more, for now. :)